my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
