theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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