I wish you could order shots online.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
