you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
