...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
