I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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