I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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