We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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