you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
