Someone shit on the floor
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
