i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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