i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
