Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
His nipple licking is glorious
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