she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
