How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I pour the whiskey from now on