All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.