in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape