if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.