he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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