she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
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Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
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Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.