im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
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I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day