I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dating After Heartbreak
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far