Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.