ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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