Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i think im in europe. pls send help
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.