i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
