The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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