i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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