i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize