I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
