someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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