someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
