either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
