There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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