i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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