Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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