Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
