i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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