i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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