I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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