what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
