dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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