You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
