I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
