Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
