The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
