My girlfriend figured out who you are.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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