I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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