True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
