you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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