This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
