you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
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Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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