I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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