We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
