I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
