i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
PANTIES FOUND
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
