Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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