it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
